Am i.....

Am i doing something foolish..?

Wrote e mail...

Awaiting for the reply calmly, I am really serious about it...

Look at those arms...

The moment i looked at your right arm, you know how heartache i am? i have to walked away and go up to my room. Tears just streamed down my cheeks, the pictures you put, i couldnt believe it, why are you doing this? What is it that you like about it? I thought that you are not that bad to that extend, but why, why? Brother, we are family, please share and tell me that you've really think about it.... Please....

Reading up and planning

Reading the Guide book to The Rough SouthEast Asia..

Read up and note down the places where i am interested, usually the adventures and hunts. Thereafter, go online do research about it, confirm the cost and than proceed with my daily itinery. Budget $800 Per person Inclusive of airtickets and accomodation. So we need a very very budget plan/ trip.

Hope for the best

For things to change , you need to change.
For things to become better, you need to become better.

Read it from yvonne friend's facebook.



A change for yourself and not for others.


Got it from a very close friend of mind.


Keeping hope alive...

For you...For always....

Hope...

oh , i am crying again , again quietly one corner in the office. Sitting in the last row. I am trying to hide. I cant cry, i cant let them know.. why am i crying again. Rab please forgive me. I didnt mean it.

Scrolling down...

i scrolled down my blog page and look at my previous entries.. Its all about him.. My life is so much about him. But why does he still leave me with a broken heart..?

Looking back on those times when we both hold hands walking up and down Cineleisure. Movies, darts..

The best memories, KL trip and Party world singing session. Marina Barrage with his family. Danial, miss you so much.

So much memories.. But its all layed low...


Heal the pain and hurt.. And hope one day we will be friends back again.

Should i or should i not?

Oh dear, the one who have always been there, you looked how i fall and you look how terrible i am right now. Mighty you , though we may not seen each other , but i am really suffering. Please send some guidance. You've been there before , and i know you are still here right now looking at me. I dont wish this to happen, forgive me for the unhealthy doings. You know the pain i am going through. Please guide me, you're the greatest of the greatest. Those emptiness feelings are torturing. I cant do anything because he will still ignore. All i can do , is keep quite and cry. Why must this happen to me. Dear you, convince me please. I am dieing inside again..


Just now i feel ok, but suddenly i feel the pain again.

Why is this happening.?

Oh dear...

Should i or should i not?

You found me.....

Get Out Of My Mind.!!

Exercise...

I've tried many things to get you off my mind, but the last thing that i have not tried is the HEalthy way, Exercise. Guesse that will be the best solution. Take it easy and it will be over soon. Well , my friends all knows that i hated jogging, its a very big challenge. But i am going to try it all over again. Jog , continue to jog constantly even if its tired. Hahax, maybe one day i will have a britney's body. Woo hoo.. I have to stop drinking. My body is tired, drank too much for 2 weeks. Ysabel you can do it, jog jog jog, swim swim swim , and get tanned all you want. I want to realise how beautiful i am again. Well maybe miles and miles far away there is someone looking and searching for me. Take it slow... I will find my other half soon.

- Get tonned up..

- Do things that i dont like ( jog )

- Be more positive. Dont blame anyone .

- Be strong, dont let anyone look down ..

Back to work...

Irene is finally back from bintan. Meet up with the girls yesterday, picked them up and went to Jurong Library . After so much heartaches, i should go for a get away trip and not to pester him anymore. This trip is so last minute, well i thought there is still room for consideration , but he made things so clear, i shall respect him. Anyway life goes on, decided to go BALI alone next month. And called my girlfriends and tell them about it. Surprisingly i didnt know that irene was so thoughtful that she even updated her blog saying that she is going bali before me telling her i am going alone. Thanks girl... Its time to learn to be Miss Independent. However i will still be going there first for a day, to really release everything and irene will fly to Denpasar the next day and i will pick her up. Actually, i am quite scared la going there alone , because last night we did some research on hotels room, and some looks quite creepy. But no matter what, i am still going to fight my fear. Nothing's gonna bring me down anymore, i had enough of fearing and scaring here and there. Its time to really be brave and go through things unexpectedly. Shu xia is still not sure whether is she still joining, but we both hoped that she will. I am already counting down the days, its so near. I am flying on 1.4.09 , later i will book my air flight and hotel accomodation. Irene and maybe shu xia will be joining me 2.4.09 and we will come back together on the 6.4.09 . This week , i've made lots of plans to make myself real busy, i will be doing my own ITINERY. I never tried doing this kind of things before, hope its going to be challenging and days at bali, i wish it could be aas challenging as possible so that it will make us really think that life is a challenge , we have to go through everything, but be strong. Currently, we've plan , White water rafting, waterbom parks , Surfing lesson. After blogging i will do my research on whether to drive on our own at bali or hire a daily driver. I cant wait to go to bali, i have been wanting to go with him, but we didnt manage to, he have to do his own stuff. But nevermind, afterall its still about me. I will decide everything. No more drinking, no more clubbing, its time for some exercise and tone up my body to make myself look good. And gain more self esteem. Its always good to love yourself. Hey hey hey, i've got to go , doing research and reading some critics about hotels and adventures... Life's good.. Seize it and live it..

Look the other way round

Look at my BLOG POST Head title.. when we take a glance, you dont understand what is that word. But when you really focused and look at it the other way round its love.. Look here everyone, we must not look at things so easily and dont look at things as if its so simple. No never ever be easy at all times. Because when unexpected problems occur, you will find yourself hard to manage.. Dont ever look at things as simple as you think!! Think further.. think more...

Everything seems so different....

Why do everything i do have to involve you? Even my password. Oh dear, i've made myself so cheap. I've plan my life with him around but everything ended. Even when i blog , every words i type i have to think about it. Why is it so? What am i afraid about? Why do i have to do this to torture myself. I keep telling myself not to think about it. Keep reminding myself how bad it is to fall now.I have got so much to do. So much to learn, sO much to think. I cant do it with what/who i am now. I screwed up . Damn , wa lau please la, i feel so stress!!! I CANT GET AN ANSWER MYSELF!!! I am afraid, i will be the old me again.. I dont want, i dont want that kind of life. But is it damn stupid too torture myself at home,whereby maybe he is enjoying himself already. Why want to torture myself? He dont sayang you, he just say for the sake of saying! I cant believe after everything that i have done, he still leave. Anyway, i am trying to figure out, what about him that made me love him so much? What about him>? Love sees me die!!! If he can move on.. why not you ysabel? Why keep holding on when he cant be bothered anymore? Why call him when he cant be bothered anymore? Why think of him when he cant be bothered anymore. He wants to leave, it means that he can live without me, I mean nothing to him. If not, he will be like you. Hesitation.. For what do this. stop being a fool !!! Ysabel.. Give those out there a chance.. Wake up!!!

Early in the morning i have to type all this shit about my life.. Look how miserable it is! You msged him tell him so much, you bake and everything. He will appreciate? He will know? He will cherish.? HAAAA.... in the end still putting a stop to everything.. Like nothing has happen before.. Shit you!

I cant help anymore

I cant help anymore, its normal to feel insecure in every women. I dont see the reason why ou have to do this. The only reason i can convince myself is you are not into it anymore. For almost so many months you kept claiming that i never change. Now that i try so hard you left.You broke us up. Though its really painful, but to think about it, you gave up this relationship so easily, i didnt play behind your back? i didnt hurt you as much. Its just some words. Cany you accept me a little like how i accepted you. ? Yeah, sometimes whatever you say its true. I shouldnt have try so hard to hold things back.. I am going to give myself a chance to relieve from all this pain, and forgetting all the pain that you give , since april 2006 , i step into your life when its so complicated, i played your games for so long. Hold on for the only reason that i believe. But it come to an end whereby i am still crying under my blanket. Hated this kind of life so much. Why do i have to dwell whereby you dont seems to be bothered anymore. ? Everyone knows that nobody is perfect. But you want me to be so perfect. For whatever that happens to me now, i dont know what is love ? Tell me what is love? So what if you are faithful ? People wont judge or stay because you are faithful and nice , they judge you by your negative points so forever he will see you as someone who will nvr change... Look ... it turns out to be hatred... i dont have to hate anyone in my life. I dont see a need. I will just tell my self that there is no RIGHT or WRONG ... Dont tell someone you have changed so much , because he will only judge you by your negative points. I gave up everything .. i gave up everything. I dont know whether am i saying things because i am angry, Buti typed it out following my heart.. You will never undersstand because you judge and left me due to what? Its all my fault. Because i have to accept that you are like that. But i feel really demoralised by you.. I dont want to hate you. please dont make me that way.

All over again...

Starting back all over again... this week so tiring , so much thing.. Got to relieve myself.. Grandmother came to my house for 3 weeks.. Yeah , at least i am not lonely anymore. Love my grandmother.. She took care of me and i feel so blessed... Well, things do happens, but somethings its better to share than to live with it.. hmmm, relax.. give it a time... Nobody said it was easy... I can do it.....


That day, my ULTIMATE BROWNIES tasted great!!!!! Whoooo~~~~~~

Nice...

Picture of the baked brownies

Additional Toppings

- Crushed Almonds

- Crushed Pistachos Nuts

- Crushed Walnuts

- Chocolate Chips

Overall Comments

Well , it may smells nice and looks good but its too soft and abit too sweet.

I think i know where is the problem, i put too much butter and my flour is not well beaten.

My next attempt will be later after work, I will bake will abit more Flour and 100grams less sugar and 50grams less unsalted butter.

People who tasted my brownies

Mum

Billy

Ruth

Ronald

Randall

Sari

My boyfriend-Rab

Thanks guys, i will definitely bake a nicer one today.. Number of trials and persistent makes a perfect bake..

I will workhard on it.. yes..

Super Fudge Brownies- DyannBakes

Here's the perfect recipe for chewy gooey fudge brownies. Perfect with an ice cold glass of milk!! I will make these delicouse bar treats today before meeting my boyfriend!

What I Will Need
1 cup butter (2 sticks) 14 tablespoon
6 ounces unsweetened chocolate
2 cups granulated sugar also known as caster sugar
1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
4 eggs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup chocolate chips or chopped nuts

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 170 degress celsius. Butter and flour an 8 by 8 inch baking pan. ( i do not have one) -

2. Melt the butter and chocolate over medium-low heat, stirring untill well blended.

3. Remove butter/chocolate mixture from heat , and stir in sugar and vanilla extract.

4. Add eggs, one at a time , beating well after each addition.

5. Stir in flour; mix in chocolate chips or chopped nuts.

6. Spread batter evenlt in the prepared pan.

7. Sprinkle chocolate chips or chopped nuts evenly across surface.

8. Bake in a 325 degree celsius oven for about 40-45 minutes or untill brownie feels dry on the top.

9. Let the brownies cool in the pan on a rack.

10. When completely cool, cut into squares and store air-tight.

11. Cut into bit-sized pieces and enjoy!

Well , later i will rush home to bake this fudgey brownies for my family and boyfriend. Hope it turns out good. Will capture some picture of the outcome.!! Update tomorrow again...Loves

pictures of the first trial cookies!~~!

TOO SWEET!!!

THESE COOKIES LOOKS GOOD BUT ITS TOO SWEET... UPSET!

pictures of the first trial cookies!~~!

Beginner to bake

Recently have been baking, but never turn out good!!! damn.. gonna try try try again and again!
Today i am going to bake CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. This entire month spend almost 300 on buying baking stuff.. ah.. when will i be able to bake for dear to eat! i will try hard and harder.. I am going to spend on hersheys chocolate instead~!!! shit.. spend money again...

Ignite!

We're back together and we will chrish for sure.
He will be so busy with his work and me, will be just staying home and find things to do.
I tried baking few days ago , the cookie never work. ah!!!
Got a new recipe just now, going to bake again when i reach home.

I dont know whether am i happy now.
I couldnt adapt to staying home so often,
I will really try..

Most of my time is surrounded by walls.
Morning , noon, evening, night!!
Suffocation no breathing...
Shag..

I need to run under the rain.. to wash away everything!!
Its so heavy...

I DECRIBE MYSELF AS A LONER!

hahax i am afraid of being lonely!

i will definitely remember for life!

The conclusion is over..
Its such a waste,
me myself couldnt believe it.
But the weird thing is,
i can feel the waste but not the pain,
because i know myself what i am doing.
And its misunderstanding.
But his persistence is strong.
Its such a waste.
All effort gone to the bin.


When i feel like giving up, i always ask myself why i held for so long in the first place. Its worth all the wait.. Its worth loving you.. love...

Nothing Compares To you

Unfortunately, i make mistakes easily without knowing that you are so hurt and upset.
I care only for my own feelings, but i've never think that you too will be hurt, it just that you dont show it.I'm sorry(to you)
Fortunately, these mistakes are usually not fatal, its just that its repeated mistakes and it makes you feel so impossible.
Lucky to know that you have this kind forgiving character that i really ADORE.(thank you -to you only)
Desperately, i want to change for a better, but i didnt know that i would make the mistakes again( sorry to you ) reason being, its hard to find someone that is another half of you. You're sweet.(only you)
Grateful to you, talking to me about my mistakes and wanting me to change, Honestly i do want to change and make real plans. I dont mean it at times( dear you)
By knowing this mistakes, action speaks louder than words. I've plans for the OPENING move to spark up the love again.( sincere to change for a better)
Give me another day, to prove that i will reverse the situation and correct those mistakes. ( love )
I dare to shout by the streets full of people that I LOVE YOU, and its really you the one that i want.

NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU!!

FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS...

its getting late

24 feb 09,

Havent had my lunch yet, not hungry. Getting myself a baking oven this weekend and some bakeware.Gonna kill some time, i've been so free. Gonna bake bake bake and bake away all the feelings and eat them..!!

Pressure, stressful , fear.

Each after another, it makes me spin. Mind spinning with lots of problems. I know i cant be perfect, i know i cant change as much. But i am trying and exhausting. Because each and everytime i do the same mistake, i will be reprimanded. So much i wish you could understand me and give in to me. But you couldnt understand. its imbalance. I dont know what to do. I shut myself and ran away. i dont know how long i could run.. i;m tired..

I feel sorry for the times we had. But i know i cant do it all alone by myself.

If only i could have a peaceful one month. no scolding. . . its love life...

I am tired.. good night...

i want my own things to do

Its my dream to always have my own business. But i feel so helpless, i know nothing at all. No one is there to actually help. I tried to be independant, but its this much ( ) only i can do. No capital, No lobang nothing. Seems like, i will have to work for him the whole time. Hate it, i want it on my own... I hate it..

5 years, I WILL give myself 5 years to save whatever that i need and roll it on my interest.( own small business) 5 years.. i will definitely.. have the capital to have a small one on my own.. save is all i have to do now...

Plan change....

Changed my plan, i did not exchange my phone with taufiq.Instead i sold my i phone for $800/- to James. And bought N85 straight after getting the cash..Now using my N85 , likes the shape of the phone, but i think the speaker not that good. Thats the only thing that i dont like about the phone.. Otherwise. its still as good..

final decision

i will be doing a one to one exchange with this guy name;taufiq.

I-PHONE to N96

BUT

from N96 to Xperia 1

Friday, will buy a phone for my mother birthday present..

What phone to buy?

Hmm

Gift of the month...

Recieved a call from starhub saying that i will be receiving a $150 voucher to buy a new phone..
Yeah but i just got my new i-phone, now im changing again.
I havent decide on what phone to get, thought of getting X1 but its too expensive $698 with line..
Second choice will be N85, Third choice samsung innov8.

1,2 OR 3...

priotise....

Neglection feeling is e most unhealthy signs,

i will definitelly be stronger than you..

Life with friends all around me....